I wonder if that bloke in the picture was sincere when he said that. Someone told me the same thing, you know. Well, not precisely those lines. Here's the exact thing: "Noong hindi mo na ako binalikan, oo nga, masaya ako, nambababae ako. Pero pagdating ng gabi, pag mag-isa na ako, wala na, malungkot na. Kasi ikaw lang naman talaga ang gusto ko. Kaso ayaw mo na. Kasalanan ko din naman." And believe me when I say that I am laughing my ass off as I am typing these lines now. Oh, not because it's romantic and all that. It's because 1) those were his EXACT words and I am very much ashamed that I still remember them accurately, and 2) it was just recently that I realized how stupid I was (or am) to believe him. So, yes, I am practically laughing at myself right now.
It was June. I can tell you the exact date, but I won't. Please don't think I am that head-over-heels in love with him to remember everything, even dates. God, no. I am just weird that way. My memory's impossibly good and I am really, really, really good with dates. Going back, when he said that, it never occurred to me that it was all a bluff. Heck, I still can't convince myself that it was just a bluff. I know I am being naive and you can throw me all the swear words you can think of, but please understand, he's just so good! He never quavered all the time he sweet-talked me so I assumed he was sincere.
A few weeks ago, I began to see the light. I realized a lot of things. I quit thinking about things that would stress me. I stopped hoping, wishing and waiting for something that's not gonna happen. My peers won't believe me when I say that I am okay, tho. They still look at me with those concerned eyes thinking that I am just putting a brave face. But the truth was, I was nowhere near depressed. I am not denying that I still care for the guy. I just learned how to handle things the right way. And that's when I realized that, finally, I have started to move on and forget him and the feelings incorporated.
Until today. Just when I have started to move forward, I have discovered something. My source is very credible, mind. And now I am mad. I am sick to the stomach. I want to punch him in the face. And the worst part? Everything is rushing back. The memories. The lies. The hurt. The anger. Everything. I am slowly losing all the progress I have made.
I cannot tell you how outraged I am now. There are no words. No words. I am mad. At myself. For being so impossibly stupid. At the people saying we're inseparable because we never got separated by heart. Are you guys blind? Look at us now! At the people telling me to move on fast. Don't you think I want that more than you do? At the people hoping we'll get back together. Well, good luck with that. You really need that. At him. For doing this to me. Again. As if what he did before wasn't enough.
You. You asked me to wait for you. You asked me to wait for the time you will be ready to settle down because you want to enjoy your life for now and you don't want to do it at my expense. You even told me I can enjoy life with other guys while you're doing your thing. (As if I'm the type of girl who'd do that. I am Ms. A-Little-Too-Faithful, remember? When I have a boyfriend, no one else matters. That's why the Anti-You's say you don't deserve me. And rightfully so.) You said we will eventually be together in the end. Kfine. JSYK, I never planned on doing what you asked me to do. Nor did I fully believe your together-in-the-end speech. But I want to. And yes, I was kinda hopeful. They're all BS and lies, it turns out. No? Okay. Whatever you say. Oh, wait, I wonder, how many of us are there? Did you tell them the same things you told me? Just asking. ☺
P.S. This is going to be the last wave of sour grapes for 2011. The last, I tell you. My December would be totally awesome!
P.P.S. I am vulnerable until God-knows-when. And no one knows how to make me feel better but him. So, self, be strong. Do have the strength to stay away. All it takes is a little sweet-talking and you're done. Hate him if you must! Do everything you can. For yourself. Not for anyone else.
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